Someone Warn Jessica Simpson

Pic courtesy of cartoonspot.net.

Warning. Warning. There are large animals that can do bodily harm in your neighborhood. This is the email that greeted me yesterday from my pseudo-neighborhood association:

This is a reminder that with spring, some of the Waverly residents that don't have to pay taxes ( our coyotes ) are out and about a bit more often than usual. Keep an eye on your pets and remember that they don't want to see you any more than you want to see them. If you see one while out in the 'hood, just give it space. It will run away. It's against the law to kill them so try not to get that urge. The county can't euthanize them and they are really hard to catch so they won't come get them either. Hopefully we will all be able to coexist peacefully.

I am usually not an alarmist but I do try to maintain my position at the top of the food chain. Me and animals that can kill and eat me are not high on my list. I realize that Tallahassee is country but I didn't think that it was Oklahoma or Yellowstone National Park type country. This new morsel of info has definitely put a new twist into my morning (ie 6:30am - still dark) walk with Abbey (aka Dog Sis).

I have emphasised portions of the email that I find especially entertaining. First, the first thing that will cross my mind if I see a Coyote in my 'hood' is not to calmly give it space. Unless I have some sort of instrument that will inflict grave damage my butt is running the other direction, so I guess in a sense you could say that I am giving it space. Side note: I also love it when 50 something white people use the term 'hood.' Really guys, I really would call Waverly Hills the 'hood' although next time I see a predatory animal I will make sure to turn my gun sideways (good thing I played a lot of Duck Hunt as a kid) for effect, and after the fact I will definitely pour one out for the slain marauder.

Secondly, did we really need to add this line in the email: "Hopefully we will all be able to coexist peacefully." You spend an entire email making light of the situation and trying to calm the neighborhood down and then you add the word Hopefully? Did we have an instance were we weren't able to coexist, as you said, peacefully? That's info that I would like to know. I give you one example that wasn't all unicorns and rainbows, Ms. Jessica Simpson and the deceased Maltipoo "Daisy." A "harmless" coyote dragged little Miss Daisy away and killed it. How is that for coexisting peacefully? Hopefully Abbey would show a little more moxie and wup that coyote's behind.

Needless to say the Critters will not be venturing out in the neighborhood unsupervised, sorry guys. Oh, and while Brother thought it would be a good idea for me to get a machete, I think that I am going to have to shoot that one down, sorry big guy, Daddy would probably sever his own leg with one of those.

Chris